dirty hands

hah, well here I sit at a public computer with filthy hands - but that's just b/c I just came from work... and I'm SOOOOO glad it's the weekend! woo hoo! two whole days where I don't have to touch fibreglass insulation!!! ah well.

hmmm I'm not sure I have that much of an update to talk about - especially since I can't remember what I wrote last time.
Yesterday I definately had a good time on my way into work as far as being totally honest with God about how I felt... I asked him what was big on his agenda these days (making conversation... I feel like I talk to him a lot and don't listen much). Suddenly I was blindsided by his answer when he said "you". Me? But he's got weather disasters and poor children and aids victims and world rulers to think about - but he's thinking about me. Funny - it's almost romantantic - but I almost started crying at work as I wrapped snakes and thought that with all that is on God's mind, I'm someone He takes time for. Wants to be with. I know he's God and can juggle half a million things like nothing, but still - I couldn't imagine him actually coming to work with me and standing in the snake shop helping me go faster. pretty amazing.

other than that, mostly I'm just living life. My sister in law and I were talking about doing what we don't have energy to do. Just making that decision. It applies in every area of life and challenges us - people so often live in perpetual exhaustion or laziness - but you miss out on SO much of life b/c of it. So I've decided to actually visit my friends and get involved in church and read books and DO things instead of telling myself I'm too tired. I still need to apply that to exercise, but then, I justify my lack of running by saying that each snake is 40 feet of walking... I made 132 of them today - do the math, that's a lot of walking!!

well anyway, I better head out. Talk to you all later!
shalom.

after a looooong time

hey everyone... well, in case you missed me, i have NOT dropped off the face of the earth, I just live out in the middle of nowhere now and haven't been around highspeed internet in awhile... thus forcing me to decide and prioritize the people I keep in touch with and my blog sadly becoming one of the last things I bother with. Isn't that horrible? I just have no idea if anyone even reads the thing... am I just shooting my thoughts out into a cold harsh void of useless information that no one really cares about? well, whatever.

So I have a job doing manual labour now... big change for me but it's getting a bit better - I have to go to work today. Calling in sick and then seeing the foremen in town is pretty terrible! But I just switched shifts, so it wasn't REALLY a sick call in... or something.
AND it's official. I've paid my money and I'm set to go to Scotland. Ieeeee! I"ve taken the step. That one that says I am committed and I am going to go and do this crazy outdoor pursuits program... and I'm not sure how I'll pay for it... but I'm also saying that God will provide. I think it's a lot harder to trust God when you sort of have control over your life and finances. When I was a "missionary" it was just sit back and let God provide b/c I had NO control... but now that I'm working it's way more stressful.
The Bible is becoming so much more practical in a sense though - suddenly Jesus' teachings take on a whole new spin and are a lot harder to apply... loving people who are always angry with you (or feel like they are) whether you've done anything to deserve it or not... controlling your mind b/c to think angry thoughts is as much a sin as acting on it... trusting God to provide b/c no matter how hard you work, you'll never quite have enough money...
I almost started crying in church sitting next to my dad - it felt so good to be home and surrounded by friends and family who have known me.

I'm suddenly seeing the difference in values now... my life is governed by the hope of eternity. almost entirely. Everything I do and strive for is based on the understanding that my life will last forever - it will outlast earth... that one day I will stand before God and give an account for how I have lived. It changes absolutely everything. It also makes the contact I have with people very different. When I'm with Believers who have a similar goal, I feel so at home and at rest I can't even put words to it. That's why I started to cry.

I took for granted the amazingness of my life at VTI - being able to travel and play music and be creative and have deep talks with people all day every day. Sure, it was hard work, but man it was fun. Living out in the boonies is harder b/c it feels more isolated and it takes me a long time to adjust to change. But my whole life is taking on a massive change from now on - outdoor pursuits, here I come! I wonder if I'm tough enough for this?
I'll try to keep you posted.
Shalom.

well, the first thing that should be stated is that i'm not beth, the second thing that should be stated is that i do have permission, not to mention encouragement to write her blog for her. matt smith

here's the question...what would you do if you were stuck on a lifeboat with a tiger, a hyena, a crippled zebra and an orangutan? no water, no food; just a couple of carniverous predators, an immobile equid and an ape.
as ridiculous a situation as this would be, i imagine the natural order of relations would resume with a stupor inducing quickness. how should i relate to a hyena mad with hunger...or a tiger dozing in the bottom of my boat...how would i deal with the zebra and ape being devoured as fodder...
the obvious master of the boat is the tiger, followed by the hyena, then the fiesty orangutan, then the poor injured zebra, with you, the poor human caught in the midst. the following insues: a struggle to appropriate each animal in their proper place, some more happy to attain that position than others. animals decide their rank by the use of their teeth and claws.
now imagine if the other animals on your little boat were other people instead of exotic animals...and just for fun your boat starts sinking because there's too much weight in it...the water creeps higher towards the gunnel, unforgiving and ice cold...the starved stares of the other passengers in your vessel of hopeless plight stare at you, and each other...in our heads there starts to form a pecking order...
the one thing we all know, one must go...maybe two. we all hate the premise, yet as we sink further towards the deep black of the abyss beneath the seeming reality rushes to the forefront of all our minds. in our minds we will all start to rank ourselves against the others beside us. "i should stay, i'm skinnier, i don't need as much food..." "all she's doing is huddling in the corner, doing nothing good at all, send her!!!" "well, he's injured, i'm perfectly healthy, if something happens i'll be of far more use than he!" and the like would ensue. what a despicable state of thought we would all agree, until we are faced with the reality; that we do this everyday...in my thoughts i justify my worth over and above others...deciding who is worth time, or effort, who should be shown kindness, who it should be witheld from...i hate it, i feel shallow and leperous whenever i find myself shunning someone for a reason far less potent then the leprousy that i feel eating my soul each time i catch myself thinking this way.
the second blinding reality is this...there is room. there is room; for all the unmotivated, the shunned, the jaded young who darken the corners of loneliness, the invisible, the weird, the awkward, the cruel and the compassionate, for me and you.
there's room. the lifeboat of life is not sinking, we're scared, disoriented, losing our bearings and perceiving the waters of irrelevance are sneaking up on us.
there is room, for my broken life...and for yours...and for theirs.
matt smith