exhaustion

seeping in on the corners of every part of my life is this horrible exhaustion. it's so intense. i called home and couldn't even really put words into a sentance and think of intelligent things to tell my mom. i'm at home right now and it all seems so weird. vti has a way of taking over life, and yet, it's an intense spiritual/emotional thing more than the physical.
if God has ever asked you to do something that makes no sense whatsoever, but the only way you can possibly have peace is when you do it, you'll kind of know what i'm feeling too. there's that in my life, and then i'm advising a team of 10 amazing and passionate young people who i love so much and it's been fantastic... but this last few days has been draining. apparantly discernment and prophecy are my gifts. that's been tough.
i also have no idea what this winter holds for me when i leave vti.
that's a bit of a stresser.
honestly, i have so little in me. i'm so tired and basically the only thing that can fuel me is time spent with God... the one thing that is so hard to do when all the physical things in life keep eating my time. my friend kat called me though and it was so encouraging. one, to hear there's still life out there beyond vti, but even more b/c it reminded me to MAKE time for God. unless we make time for what's most important, it's never going to just happen.
i'm learning a lot about relationships and counseling out here too. brutal! but i love it and i know it's such good experience. i feel terribly out of shape though. there's a bear running around in the bush out here, so i always wonder if i'm going to meet it... that could be fun.
anyhoo... i'll write again later. teaching puppetry has got to be one of the most hilarious jobs in the world. "king of the jungle baby".

soooooo tired. life is a ball.

and that about sums it up! For the last 12 days, I've been psycho busy at VTI - I'm the team advisor for the 4WRD team, and I'm still the puppetry director. the team is so fantastic - I've had many a hard laugh, I've cried only once so far, I'm brutally tired, we've had a few wrastles... mostly, it's just really REALLY grand.
I have to say, I'm pretty scared about leaving in December though - that's going to be really tough!! Ieeeeeee.
So life is busy and I'm having a hard time being coherent in my discussions and life. It really makes me laugh most of the time. Ah well.
God is awesome and I've had some really cool times with Him. Some good memories:

Team shopping - taking 4 guys to match the outfits of 4 girls (after 1.5 hours of random walking around) and then trying to get them ties to match their unmatching shirts.
Sitting in the mall food court yelling people's names as I recognized them solely to make the guy three tables down laugh so that the people I was with would be embarassed.
Deep talks.
hugs and quality time with some of my best friends from previous years.
Working hard on itineration and stuff.
laughing.
laughing.
more laughing.

hah! And some amazing time listening to God. If only I could act on what He says better!
Talk to you lata!

So what have I been doing?

Scroll down to my other post to read what God has done in me at camp - seriously, it's amazing... I never thought that I would totally be able to hear the voice of God in such a real way.

But it'd be good to tell you physically what's been happening in my life too!!!
I just spent the last 10 days at Crowsnest Lake Bible Camp... Soooooo fun!

I definately got tossed in the lake on my birthday - ah, once again, being winded by the sheer coldness of it all... but it was a good "welcome home" for me, and I quickly got aquainted with a couple of the staff as they dragged me into the water. Ieeeee!

The next day, we left on our outtrip... missed our campsite b/c of the fog surrounding us. I'm SOOO glad that one of the directors lent me his jacket! (WHO comes to camp without a jacket??? Stupid girl!) It SNOWED! Yes, I woke up to Christmas. Two inches of snow fell, and I learned the meaning of body heat... I even shared my mummy bag with my friend so that our bodies would heat each other. Good bonding it was. That night it warmed up enough to light a fire - after a day of rain and snow trapped under our tarp, it was VERY nice to come out and dry out my clothes. The next day we did an amazing (very long) hike. I'm definately hillbilly tough, but I'm not super mountain hardcore. Ieeee. The views were incredible though, and i had the most amazing cabin!

All through Camp, God spoke to me so clearly. Again and again, he'd grant even the stupidest requests immediately. It was so amazing. And so vital - I came out of camp refreshed and excited.

We pranked 5 guys and gave them Chicken a la King Sandwiches... mmmm... but it was actually chicken flavoured CAT food! Hah! What fun!
One of my friends managed to get a paintball in my mouth - not super tasty, but it was really fun to tackle her down and spit it back in her face! (oh the gross things you do at camp! But it's OK, b/c it's camp!)
I wore longjohns under my shorts most days. I didn't change my clothes hardly at all. We sang Christmas carols and stupid songs at an old folks home and a native guy came and told me that we were like twins b/c we both had braids! So fun. Then we wrote a threat letter to a girl who had been on staff at camp and folded all her laundry, and drank 1 litre slurpees (VERY bad Idea! I got so sick! - bit it's camp!)

We also saunad. Oh, how I love the sauna! mmmm hot sweaty bodies crammed into a little room and then running into the freezing lake!

And the singing. Worshiping God together as a body of Christians... I got 2 more into the family of Christ, and it was amazing to hear a crowd lifting thier voices to God. Soooo good.

On Monday, I move out to the training centre for training camp. at first, I had a really cruddy attitude about it, but now, God is changing me and i'm REALLY excited. It's going to be so different... but so fun. I'll keep you posted!

when you ask, he answers

I was at camp (i'll tell you more later), and I sat down with this guy who challenged me b/c I said that God has never said "no" when I sought him, and that He will never say "no" if you want to hear his voice. I can't tell that counselor why it seems that God wants no relationship with him but THIS I know...

Today I was shot. I was tired. I was avoiding God. I was frustrated. I had a CRAPPY attitude. And I told God I needed truth and I needed to hear his voice. I asked what He sees when He looks at me.

First he called me out of my hiding spot - and this is what he said: "You... were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge in the sinful nature, rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law. The acts of the sinful nature are OBVIOUS:...hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, and envy... I warn you, as I did before that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control... Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited... Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up...what counts is a new creation... the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit... though you have not seen Him {Jesus}, you believe, and though you do not see him now you love Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy b/c you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

I've been angry and bitter. I've been dreading being at VTI again. I've been frustrated with people, I've been snappy and self-centered. Where is my freedom and my love? Amazing that what I'm reading in the Word states EXACTLY where I'm at, and tells me ENTIRELY what I need to do.
I'm learning to listen to God, and it's almost never what I expect and he almost never says what I think He will - and very seldom does He show himself in the way that I think He would... but in the end, if I wait, he does always show himself... the greatest act of grace and I love him so much for it. I pray that He will make me a true worshipper.