refreshed

It's really funny when you feel a void and you want something, but you don't know what, or even what could be causing it... so you go and spend some time with God - and there are really no huge revelations or amazing epiphanies... but suddenly there's peace.

I was going to write about love. It's something I've been thinking about so much in the last few years... How much love can hurt. This time around (training camp), I asked God to teach me to really love people. The 4WRD team just flew and it stinks how much I miss them - geninuely, things remind me of them again and again - there are even times when I just look at the mountains and I can't help but just thank God for them. When I just feel love. And then I feel fairly lonely realizing that they're gone for awhile. And that I haven't seen my family in a long time. But you know, that ache sort of feels good in itself - to know that I am loved and that I love people and that yes, it hurts when they're gone.
So I found myself walking to Wal-Mart to develop pictures and praying that God would draw near and fill that wretched ache. Pretty amazing to just let God love me. To realize that He did everything in His Power to bring me back to himself after I made a mess of life with my sin. Pretty crazy.

I highly recommend reading "The Jesus I never Knew" - well, most definately read the Bible first (cover to cover)... but it gave me a lot to think about.

So yes, I'm still pretty tired, but honestly... I'm learning to stop panicking and just trust God... to rest in Him. I still have no idea what the future holds for me, but yesterday I wondered - what if God hasn't revealed "the best option" to me so that, first of all, I'll learn to listen... and second of all there are things so unbelieveably cool yet to come I'm not ready for it yet. What DOES it mean to trust God?

I get to have thanksgiving dinner with my friends' family today - it should be pretty sweet. So I'm feeling pretty blessed and thankful today. I hope you are too.

let's try being coherent

OOOKKKKK>
so for those of you who HAVEN'T heard from me since August 31 - which is most of you... I'm going to try to be coherent.
honestly, I'm so sorry... I can't even put into words what this last month and a bit has been like - I mean, this is my fourth training camp - but my brain is so exhausted. every part of me is so tired... i called home the other day and i couldn't really even put together a sentance or think of anything to tell my mom. i mostly just crave knowing what's going on in your lives. so why the insanity??

Spiritually - this is such an intense Fall. I've been challenged a lot by the vitality of the Bible and how real and applicable it really is. I've also been thinking a lot about the gift of Prophecy and I'm pretty sure that part of my gifting is there - not fortelling the future at all, but rather reading the Word and praying and then discerning very specific spiritual things and having to do something about it. The problem is, that it feels rather lonely a lot of the time. Being out at a Training Centre like this 24-7 where there are so many crazy dynamics makes it so much more spiritually insane... I feel things all the time and it's so intense and usually I'm picking up someone else's fears or exhaustion or whatever else and it's my job to go and spend time with them, to hear them out, to challenge them, to love them, to pray for them... to pray. and pray. and pray more.

Physically - I don't have time to run anymore - what a bummer! But I've been working on making my schedule something that is practical and feasible for existance! Going to bed at 11:30 or later, sleeping rather poorly until 6:00 and then running like a wild banshee all day for two months straight isn't really working for me! But it's good.

Mentally/Emtionally - we'll blend those since it seems women have a hard time separating the two anyway... I have a lot more responsibility this year on staff, and I'm realizing more and more how much girls want the affirmation of those in authority over them and how hard it is for me to just keep going whether I feel like I'm doing well or not. My brain is also mush from trying to decide what to do with my future. Shall I go to school? (for what??) Should I go to the UK? (can i afford it? it's so far away!) I've applied for camp (am I crazy!), this winter... what's going on? (job? bum at home? move somewhere?) I can't even put words to how distracting it is to want to know what I'm doing with my life, but to just relax and say, "hey, we'll figure this out in time". There's something about trusting God that is so difficult. emotions are so hard...

socially - i'm a little butterfly, flitting from bloom to bloom. BLAHHHHHHH. Ha. No, but I'm an introvert in a very extroverted job and it's so good for me... but exhausting sometimes too. Mostly that's why none of you ever hear from me - when I finally can get alone, the last thing I usually think to do is check my e-mail or call anyone! Terrible!!! It's not that I don't love you though... I promise!

On that note - now that you all know everything about me... e-mail me sometime or something... honestly, I'm not really worth talking to most of the time right now, BUT, I do crave just hearing what's going on in your lives. Once again, I feel very alone a lot of the time, I work in a place where I am supposed to give 24-7, and I'm definately learning how to receive from God, but sometimes I just want to be normal again. but then, what IS normal??