let's try being coherent
OOOKKKKK>
so for those of you who HAVEN'T heard from me since August 31 - which is most of you... I'm going to try to be coherent.
honestly, I'm so sorry... I can't even put into words what this last month and a bit has been like - I mean, this is my fourth training camp - but my brain is so exhausted. every part of me is so tired... i called home the other day and i couldn't really even put together a sentance or think of anything to tell my mom. i mostly just crave knowing what's going on in your lives. so why the insanity??
Spiritually - this is such an intense Fall. I've been challenged a lot by the vitality of the Bible and how real and applicable it really is. I've also been thinking a lot about the gift of Prophecy and I'm pretty sure that part of my gifting is there - not fortelling the future at all, but rather reading the Word and praying and then discerning very specific spiritual things and having to do something about it. The problem is, that it feels rather lonely a lot of the time. Being out at a Training Centre like this 24-7 where there are so many crazy dynamics makes it so much more spiritually insane... I feel things all the time and it's so intense and usually I'm picking up someone else's fears or exhaustion or whatever else and it's my job to go and spend time with them, to hear them out, to challenge them, to love them, to pray for them... to pray. and pray. and pray more.
Physically - I don't have time to run anymore - what a bummer! But I've been working on making my schedule something that is practical and feasible for existance! Going to bed at 11:30 or later, sleeping rather poorly until 6:00 and then running like a wild banshee all day for two months straight isn't really working for me! But it's good.
Mentally/Emtionally - we'll blend those since it seems women have a hard time separating the two anyway... I have a lot more responsibility this year on staff, and I'm realizing more and more how much girls want the affirmation of those in authority over them and how hard it is for me to just keep going whether I feel like I'm doing well or not. My brain is also mush from trying to decide what to do with my future. Shall I go to school? (for what??) Should I go to the UK? (can i afford it? it's so far away!) I've applied for camp (am I crazy!), this winter... what's going on? (job? bum at home? move somewhere?) I can't even put words to how distracting it is to want to know what I'm doing with my life, but to just relax and say, "hey, we'll figure this out in time". There's something about trusting God that is so difficult. emotions are so hard...
socially - i'm a little butterfly, flitting from bloom to bloom. BLAHHHHHHH. Ha. No, but I'm an introvert in a very extroverted job and it's so good for me... but exhausting sometimes too. Mostly that's why none of you ever hear from me - when I finally can get alone, the last thing I usually think to do is check my e-mail or call anyone! Terrible!!! It's not that I don't love you though... I promise!
On that note - now that you all know everything about me... e-mail me sometime or something... honestly, I'm not really worth talking to most of the time right now, BUT, I do crave just hearing what's going on in your lives. Once again, I feel very alone a lot of the time, I work in a place where I am supposed to give 24-7, and I'm definately learning how to receive from God, but sometimes I just want to be normal again. but then, what IS normal??
so for those of you who HAVEN'T heard from me since August 31 - which is most of you... I'm going to try to be coherent.
honestly, I'm so sorry... I can't even put into words what this last month and a bit has been like - I mean, this is my fourth training camp - but my brain is so exhausted. every part of me is so tired... i called home the other day and i couldn't really even put together a sentance or think of anything to tell my mom. i mostly just crave knowing what's going on in your lives. so why the insanity??
Spiritually - this is such an intense Fall. I've been challenged a lot by the vitality of the Bible and how real and applicable it really is. I've also been thinking a lot about the gift of Prophecy and I'm pretty sure that part of my gifting is there - not fortelling the future at all, but rather reading the Word and praying and then discerning very specific spiritual things and having to do something about it. The problem is, that it feels rather lonely a lot of the time. Being out at a Training Centre like this 24-7 where there are so many crazy dynamics makes it so much more spiritually insane... I feel things all the time and it's so intense and usually I'm picking up someone else's fears or exhaustion or whatever else and it's my job to go and spend time with them, to hear them out, to challenge them, to love them, to pray for them... to pray. and pray. and pray more.
Physically - I don't have time to run anymore - what a bummer! But I've been working on making my schedule something that is practical and feasible for existance! Going to bed at 11:30 or later, sleeping rather poorly until 6:00 and then running like a wild banshee all day for two months straight isn't really working for me! But it's good.
Mentally/Emtionally - we'll blend those since it seems women have a hard time separating the two anyway... I have a lot more responsibility this year on staff, and I'm realizing more and more how much girls want the affirmation of those in authority over them and how hard it is for me to just keep going whether I feel like I'm doing well or not. My brain is also mush from trying to decide what to do with my future. Shall I go to school? (for what??) Should I go to the UK? (can i afford it? it's so far away!) I've applied for camp (am I crazy!), this winter... what's going on? (job? bum at home? move somewhere?) I can't even put words to how distracting it is to want to know what I'm doing with my life, but to just relax and say, "hey, we'll figure this out in time". There's something about trusting God that is so difficult. emotions are so hard...
socially - i'm a little butterfly, flitting from bloom to bloom. BLAHHHHHHH. Ha. No, but I'm an introvert in a very extroverted job and it's so good for me... but exhausting sometimes too. Mostly that's why none of you ever hear from me - when I finally can get alone, the last thing I usually think to do is check my e-mail or call anyone! Terrible!!! It's not that I don't love you though... I promise!
On that note - now that you all know everything about me... e-mail me sometime or something... honestly, I'm not really worth talking to most of the time right now, BUT, I do crave just hearing what's going on in your lives. Once again, I feel very alone a lot of the time, I work in a place where I am supposed to give 24-7, and I'm definately learning how to receive from God, but sometimes I just want to be normal again. but then, what IS normal??
posted by kukkiriza at 12:00 PM
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