Scares me that God can see my heart
Hey everyone!
Nothing like a bright cheery title eh? ahhhhhhhh... let me explain a little.
So I've been in numerous wrap-ups and office time lately. It's been good but tiring. WE just finished the GAP farewell yesterday. I was just writing to a friend about something that i really regret doing, and suddenly it hit me what was wrong. Yes, the action was on the line - not bad per sey, but probably not the wisest move... but what I was really angry about was that I had to question myself at all. Angry with God. Terrifying place to be.
I just read James 1 - 3 in the Word, and have been memorizing in 1 Peter and am all too familiar with all these passages that never line out what is right and wrong specifically... God says when it's too far, but he doesn't really draw a lot of lines necessarily except that there are choices we make, he wants us to strive for perfection, and that what matters most is that we are living constantly with HIM. (an amazing and free place to be Spiritually).
But I'm still physical.
My Spiritual self is more satisfied and excited than ever, and emotionally I'm way more steady than I have been in awhile, and even mentally, I'm thinking more clearly...
But physically, I'm frustrated that I have to draw lines and standards for myself and that I have to question what I believe so often. I just want to live however I feel like... but that could distract someone else from living constantly in God... and it may block me from that too.
It hurts. It hurts, and it's tiring, to know that physically I have restrictions. There is music I can't listen to, and movies I can't watch. There are places I need to avoid, integrity I have to protect, and the reputation of myself and of God. I guess Jesus never said self-sacrifice would be easy though, did he?
Nothing like a bright cheery title eh? ahhhhhhhh... let me explain a little.
So I've been in numerous wrap-ups and office time lately. It's been good but tiring. WE just finished the GAP farewell yesterday. I was just writing to a friend about something that i really regret doing, and suddenly it hit me what was wrong. Yes, the action was on the line - not bad per sey, but probably not the wisest move... but what I was really angry about was that I had to question myself at all. Angry with God. Terrifying place to be.
I just read James 1 - 3 in the Word, and have been memorizing in 1 Peter and am all too familiar with all these passages that never line out what is right and wrong specifically... God says when it's too far, but he doesn't really draw a lot of lines necessarily except that there are choices we make, he wants us to strive for perfection, and that what matters most is that we are living constantly with HIM. (an amazing and free place to be Spiritually).
But I'm still physical.
My Spiritual self is more satisfied and excited than ever, and emotionally I'm way more steady than I have been in awhile, and even mentally, I'm thinking more clearly...
But physically, I'm frustrated that I have to draw lines and standards for myself and that I have to question what I believe so often. I just want to live however I feel like... but that could distract someone else from living constantly in God... and it may block me from that too.
It hurts. It hurts, and it's tiring, to know that physically I have restrictions. There is music I can't listen to, and movies I can't watch. There are places I need to avoid, integrity I have to protect, and the reputation of myself and of God. I guess Jesus never said self-sacrifice would be easy though, did he?
posted by kukkiriza at 1:32 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home