Scares me that God can see my heart

Hey everyone!
Nothing like a bright cheery title eh? ahhhhhhhh... let me explain a little.

So I've been in numerous wrap-ups and office time lately. It's been good but tiring. WE just finished the GAP farewell yesterday. I was just writing to a friend about something that i really regret doing, and suddenly it hit me what was wrong. Yes, the action was on the line - not bad per sey, but probably not the wisest move... but what I was really angry about was that I had to question myself at all. Angry with God. Terrifying place to be.

I just read James 1 - 3 in the Word, and have been memorizing in 1 Peter and am all too familiar with all these passages that never line out what is right and wrong specifically... God says when it's too far, but he doesn't really draw a lot of lines necessarily except that there are choices we make, he wants us to strive for perfection, and that what matters most is that we are living constantly with HIM. (an amazing and free place to be Spiritually).
But I'm still physical.
My Spiritual self is more satisfied and excited than ever, and emotionally I'm way more steady than I have been in awhile, and even mentally, I'm thinking more clearly...
But physically, I'm frustrated that I have to draw lines and standards for myself and that I have to question what I believe so often. I just want to live however I feel like... but that could distract someone else from living constantly in God... and it may block me from that too.
It hurts. It hurts, and it's tiring, to know that physically I have restrictions. There is music I can't listen to, and movies I can't watch. There are places I need to avoid, integrity I have to protect, and the reputation of myself and of God. I guess Jesus never said self-sacrifice would be easy though, did he?

dang.

That's about the extent of how I feel right now. Not as a vengeful expletive... more of a wowish type thing. I'm sort of feeling like ground up hamburger right now. It kind of stinks, it's raw, it has a long history... and a lot of potential for a really good future? OK, that was bad.

I'm just really tired. F&F wrapup was yesterday. That was a strange anticlimatical thing for me - I mean, it's THEIR wrap-up, they're supposed to be the ones who care... I'm supposed to be all-powerful staff taking it in stride and looking ahead to next year. But I'm not. I need closure. This has been a huge-long year for me. I've been stretched and challenged... I've had to pray like all get-out and learn to quench fires before they start and listen to the deeper, real issue - looking past symptoms. I"ve had to give up what I want and listen to my own advice... and now I just had to say Good-bye. The thing is, what made me the most emotional was watching these 11 people and seeing how much they've changed. How much they've affected each other. How deep it all runs. And part of me knows that the effects of a solid F&F team are so far-reaching, it hasn't even begun for them, although they feel it's over.
Last night I hung out with 3 people from my F&F team. That was crazy, and cool, and strange. I love it.

My life is psycho. Suffice it to say that I'm so tired and the heat here is driving me crazy. Part of me wants to run away... I miss the farm MORE THAN I CAN SAY. And yet... I know that the only rest I'm ever going to find is in hanging out with God. So I need to go do that. Pray that I'll look to Him to sustain me... I was telling Crystelle about my life in the next two months and I definately could burn out really fast... especially b/c on my days off I"m so torn between doing stuff with my friends and being alone.
But know that God is challenging me in unbelieveable ways. One huge overriding theme is finding my value, confidence, and trust in Him. I spent over 2 hours talking with a friend about it all the other night and it was amazing. Sometimes I forget how much He's working.
This is getting long.
I'll write again later.
shalom.